Step 1: always remain calm. The couch may be a surprise or even unwelcome, but it is a well known fact that couches can sense fear and hostility and will react accordingly. If possibly pass the couch several times, acting as if nothing is different from the days before the couch’s arrival.

Step 2: introduce yourself and touch the couch in a friendly manner. A pat, stroke, or light squeeze may be appropriate. Use your best judgment, but remember to be gentle and kind.

Step 3: small talk is not necessary with couches, as they find it boring and repulsive.

Step 4: if invited to do so, sit upon the couch. It is important that if you are asked to sit upon the couch, you do so. Couches are deeply sensitive and hold grudges when ignored or offended.

You may notice, after some time, that the couch is still there. If this is the case please consider the following:

-Is anyone currently relying on said couch for a place to sleep?

-Is money missing from your wallet?

-Does it match the other furniture?

-Is the beauty of the couch so striking that you’ve since rethought your purpose in life and/or sexuality?

If you actually answered ‘no’ to any of these questions, the existence of the couch may remain a conundrum. Couches do not migrate. The are usually solitary and stationary creatures, occurring in large groups only close to their birth in furniture stores, and usually breaking into smaller sets depending on the overall size of the house they occupy.

Requiring several people to lift and transport them, couches only appear in your ecosystem upon request. Contact any persons cohabitating alongside you.

Step 5: assume you are unwelcome and gift the couch all your possessions. Couches have little use for clothes, DVDs, computers, and/or books, but the gesture will be greatly appreciated. And really, it is the least you can do.